Today's "Well, duh!" story
The Washington Times reports this morning,
Men won't commit to marriage because they enjoy a sexually active single life in a social climate that doesn't push them to marry, a new report says.
Young men are indeed "commitment phobic," which is bad news for young women who want build a family before they get too old, said researchers Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe, who run the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University.
"The median age of first marriage for men has reached 27, the oldest age in our nation's history," Mr. Popenoe said.
There are several specific reasons for why young men are avoiding marriage . . . Primarily, young men are enjoying a sexually active single life — often with a live-in girlfriend — and "are in no hurry" to marry, the researchers said.
The blunt truth is that women's chastity before marriage is what convinces men to marry. Even St. Paul realized this when he advised unmarried Christians in Corinth, ". . . it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Cor. 7:9b). Work by psychobiologists has yielded insights into why marriage exists at all, about which more further down. But it seems unrebuttable that marriage as an institution is in trouble in America today.
Nationwide, the marriage rate has plunged 43 percent since 1960. Instead of getting married, men and women are just living together, cohabitation having increased tenfold in the same period. According to a University of Chicago study, cohabitation has become the dominant way men and women begin their relationships, not courtship and marriage. More than half the men and women who do get married have already lived together.
The pattern of cohabitation is dangerous. Most women agree to cohabit thinking it will lead to marriage, but most men ask women to live with them so they don’t have to marry them. Forty of every hundred cohabiting couples never marry one another. Repeated research shows that of the sixty cohabiting couples who do marry one another, forty-five divorce within ten years.
The
Time cover story of Aug. 21, 200, reported -
Danielle Crittenden, author of What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us, argues that women have set themselves up for disappointment, many putting off marriage until their 30s only to find themselves unskilled in the art of compatibility and surrounded by male peers looking over their Chardonnays at women in their 20s. "Modern people approach marriage like it's a Bosnia-Serbia negotiation. Marriage is no longer as attractive to men," she says. "No one's telling college girls it's easier to have kids in your 20s than in your 30s."
Michael Broder, a Philadelphia psychotherapist and author of The Art of Living Single, decries what he calls the "perfect-person problem," in which women refuse to engage unless they're immediately taken with a man, failing to give a relationship a chance to develop. "Few women can't tell you about someone they turned down, and I'm not talking about some grotesque monster," he says. "But there's the idea that there has to be this great degree of passion to get involved, which isn't always functional. So you have people saying things like, 'If I can't have my soul mate, I'd rather be alone.' And after that, I say, 'Well, you got your second choice.'"
In evolutionary terms, marriage developed as the means by which women could guarantee to a specific man that the children she bore were his. In biological terms, men can sire hundreds of children in their lives, but this biological ability is limited by the fact that no one woman can keep pace. Siring kids by multiple women is the only way men can achieve high levels of reproduction, but women also have an extreme interest in the process, too.
Their is no adaptive/survival advantage for women in bearing children by men who are simply trying to sire as many children as possible. During the latter stages of pregnancy, women are disabled to some significant degree - perhaps not for office work, but certainly for food gathering and for protecting or caring for their other children. For a single mother, as our own culture's experience shows, child-raising is a resource-intensive, years-long business. Doing it alone is a marked adaptive disadvantage for single mothers and their children.
So the economics of sex evolved into a win-win deal: women agree to give men exclusive sexual rights and guaranteed paternity in exchange for their sexual loyalty and enduring assistance with child bearing and child raising. For the man, this arrangement lessens the number of potential children he can sire (although it can still be up to a dozen, at least), but it ensures that his kids are, well,
his kids, not another man's. (In folk lore and literature, the cuckolded husband is one of the most pathetic figures there is). The only way women could guarantee paternity was to remain chaste until she and a man had agreed to this arrangement. For the woman, the man's promise of sexual loyalty to her meant that he would expend his labor and resources supporting her children, not another woman's.
Without guaranteed paternity, no man would ever have significant certainty that the child he was supporting carried his genes. Avoidance of genetic extinction is, many biologists say, the defining motive of human and animal behavior. That doesn't mean that every man or woman is inexorably impelled to have children - evolutionary biologists focus on groups, not individuals.
But what if women discontinued to guarantee paternity? What if the majority of men of a society discovered that they could enjoy sexual relations with women without promising sexual loyalty in return? That is what has happened in America since the invention of The Pill. The impulse toward pre-marital chastity for women was always the fear of bearing a child alone. The Pill removed this fear.
Over the last four decades, men have discovered that marriage is no longer the sure way to sex. Women have discovered that men's sexual and emotional commitment to them isn't usually gained by giving men sex before marriage. As the old saying goes, "Why buy a cow when milk is so cheap?" If most women offer men sex apart from marriage, then the need for men to commit to sexual loyalty to a particular woman is greatly lessened, even eliminated. Then women look around and wonder why so many men they know all seem to be rotters who aren't interested in marriage.
Ultimately, both men and women discover that the married life is both easier and more sexually fulfilling than singleness, and ultimately most men and women discover that they want to bear children. Repeated studies show that married men and women enjoy sexual relations far more frequently than singles and no one has ever discovered a better arrangement for children than being raised by both natural parents. For most singles, the effort and care that must be taken in gaining another or semi-enduring sex partner, along with the devotion to avoiding pregnancy, are draining. Unfortunately, by the time they realize this and decide to do somethjing about it, they have lost too many youthful years. There is a big difference between marrying in early 20s and having kids in mid-20s, and doing both in one's 30s or even 40s, not only for the parents, but for the children.